The Truth About Pregnancy: 13 Weeks
We finally announced our pregnancy this week. S and I are so looking forward to holding our Little One in November of 2017. But I need to be honest, this has been a really difficult transition and change in my life - actually in our lives. I've been very sick with this baby: nausea, vomiting, dehydration, constant fatigue and a possible job loss. My eyes have seen our downstairs bedroom walls, painted with a beautiful dark hue of blue for almost a month now. I have been bed-ridden and unable to eat a lot of food, while also losing a tremendous amount of weight (so far 22 pounds).
And my faith in God, my "school of trust in Him", has faltered more than once. I don't understand, on so many levels, why He would ask another bout of suffering from me. I ask Him: "Wasn't watching my mom suffer through her last year and then six months in hospice enough?", "Did not losing my dad at the age of 13 and grieve as a teenager make up for all the sins that I have made?" His answer is still coming to me... I know that I must believe that this plan He has for S's and my lives is going to make us better Catholics. But it is difficult to see the joy when the pain and suffering are clouding my every movement.
I had more faith in God when my mom was dying than I do right now. I wish I could say I know why. I wish I could reach out and say that I do believe in Him with all my heart. But that would be untrue... I have doubts; I have fears; I have moments of anger with Him. I know that I am not dying; that there is a new life being brought into this world. But I feel like I am not my own person anymore. I feel that my body is only a vessel/incubator for a little one. Do all first-time moms go through this feeling?
I know in the end we will have the most precious Little Baby in the world. And I will love that baby with all my heart, soul, mind, and body. But today, I can't see past the pain, the sickness, the frustration, and the worry. I try to review the conversation I had with M.D. when she visited me about 3 weeks ago: "Your Baby is like the Eucharistic. You have to remind yourself that there is a living presence within you (by you) and your baby has its own soul." Great words. Beautiful reflection.
What suggestions would you offer me? I find it difficult to be outside of the house because showering is an energy-zapper. I miss Eucharistic Adoration. I miss Daily Mass. I miss going to Sunday Mass and being truly present with Him.
And my faith in God, my "school of trust in Him", has faltered more than once. I don't understand, on so many levels, why He would ask another bout of suffering from me. I ask Him: "Wasn't watching my mom suffer through her last year and then six months in hospice enough?", "Did not losing my dad at the age of 13 and grieve as a teenager make up for all the sins that I have made?" His answer is still coming to me... I know that I must believe that this plan He has for S's and my lives is going to make us better Catholics. But it is difficult to see the joy when the pain and suffering are clouding my every movement.
I had more faith in God when my mom was dying than I do right now. I wish I could say I know why. I wish I could reach out and say that I do believe in Him with all my heart. But that would be untrue... I have doubts; I have fears; I have moments of anger with Him. I know that I am not dying; that there is a new life being brought into this world. But I feel like I am not my own person anymore. I feel that my body is only a vessel/incubator for a little one. Do all first-time moms go through this feeling?
I know in the end we will have the most precious Little Baby in the world. And I will love that baby with all my heart, soul, mind, and body. But today, I can't see past the pain, the sickness, the frustration, and the worry. I try to review the conversation I had with M.D. when she visited me about 3 weeks ago: "Your Baby is like the Eucharistic. You have to remind yourself that there is a living presence within you (by you) and your baby has its own soul." Great words. Beautiful reflection.
What suggestions would you offer me? I find it difficult to be outside of the house because showering is an energy-zapper. I miss Eucharistic Adoration. I miss Daily Mass. I miss going to Sunday Mass and being truly present with Him.
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